My sleep has been dreamless. I go to bed as the sun rises, tumbling past the event horizon of a black hole -- as soon as I close my eyes, reality collapses, all light cones tip inward, and there is nothing. My worldline ends. An impossible escape comes with high noon.
Today, I woke to John smiling in my face. I smiled back.
In the week before the dren hit the atmospheric scrubbers, John was on strike, sleeping all the time, like a dark cloud hanging over me. I missed him, even in his presence. He's back, though. A little older, a little wiser. Streaks of gray in his hair. Not everything has gone according to plan, but he has been loved, and he remembers. He was watching his daughter's prowler light up the atmosphere of a simple planet. Then someone came, and the last burden was lifted. He can go home--it is safe now--but he has decided to stay. He is happy here.
I'll write John any way he wants to be written. Smiling, or dead, or with a dead smile.
Today, I woke to John smiling in my face. I smiled back.
In the week before the dren hit the atmospheric scrubbers, John was on strike, sleeping all the time, like a dark cloud hanging over me. I missed him, even in his presence. He's back, though. A little older, a little wiser. Streaks of gray in his hair. Not everything has gone according to plan, but he has been loved, and he remembers. He was watching his daughter's prowler light up the atmosphere of a simple planet. Then someone came, and the last burden was lifted. He can go home--it is safe now--but he has decided to stay. He is happy here.
I'll write John any way he wants to be written. Smiling, or dead, or with a dead smile.
It's easy to converge with John, sometimes. We have things in common. Obsessive tendencies. Dreamers, stranded in a strange place, nowhere is truly home anymore.
Other traits, though, I don't share at all. I don't draw people to me the way John does; I don't make friends quickly, and I'm not as attentive to the ones I have as John would be. I have his empathy, but not always his compassion. I don't have his hope, or more accurately, I don't want to have it. If you understand that S4 John has been converging with me, rather than the other way around, you will grasp my meaning.
Nevertheless, someone's outlook on life might be rubbing off a little, because I'm beginning to see the good in the bad. I have learned to smile on the phone to reporters. I have learned more about the TV industry, about marketing and PR, about Nielsen ratings and advertising than I ever wanted to know. Learning is always a good thing.
I got the opportunity to talk to two people I respect and admire, and that probably wouldn't have happened otherwise. I stand back and watch strangers come together. I've learned a lot about fellow scapers, met a few I wouldn't have met if for not for this campaign, and grown closer to others.
I found out that I get along well with Max. We didn't have much opportunity to chat before, and we are also, in some ways, very much alike. We perceive reality sideways. (Hopefully, she will not be insulted by that statement.) It could have gone either way.
There are friends to be found here.
I'm nowhere near happy with the situation. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I am enjoying myself. I still wish this could have been avoided, for the sake of a great many people. I can't keep up with my mail, and that's annoying. My boss is going to mount my head as a mantel piece when he gets back from San Francisco. But things being what they are, we are doing well.
That's hope, right?
Other traits, though, I don't share at all. I don't draw people to me the way John does; I don't make friends quickly, and I'm not as attentive to the ones I have as John would be. I have his empathy, but not always his compassion. I don't have his hope, or more accurately, I don't want to have it. If you understand that S4 John has been converging with me, rather than the other way around, you will grasp my meaning.
Nevertheless, someone's outlook on life might be rubbing off a little, because I'm beginning to see the good in the bad. I have learned to smile on the phone to reporters. I have learned more about the TV industry, about marketing and PR, about Nielsen ratings and advertising than I ever wanted to know. Learning is always a good thing.
I got the opportunity to talk to two people I respect and admire, and that probably wouldn't have happened otherwise. I stand back and watch strangers come together. I've learned a lot about fellow scapers, met a few I wouldn't have met if for not for this campaign, and grown closer to others.
I found out that I get along well with Max. We didn't have much opportunity to chat before, and we are also, in some ways, very much alike. We perceive reality sideways. (Hopefully, she will not be insulted by that statement.) It could have gone either way.
There are friends to be found here.
I'm nowhere near happy with the situation. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I am enjoying myself. I still wish this could have been avoided, for the sake of a great many people. I can't keep up with my mail, and that's annoying. My boss is going to mount my head as a mantel piece when he gets back from San Francisco. But things being what they are, we are doing well.
That's hope, right?
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